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| 01:23am 31/05/2007 |
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life is peculiar.
i rarely reach the end of a friendship that i wish would continue. usually, things run a course, and when it's done, it's done. no hard feelings, no regrets, no do-over cards, and no desire for such magical things. either the other participant has genuinely fucked up to a point where i no longer care, i've fucked up and don't care, or a relative disinterest either way simply emerges.
but this time...
i hurt people and had absolutely no intention of doing so. to the point of inspiring hatred. people i care deeply about. and as a method of retaliation, a crucial decision was made to violate my trust and my privacy. in order to "make others understand," parts of myself were revealed that were mine to share or conceal. i have inadvertantly devastated and been devastated by those i loved. i don't know what to do with that.
this is nothing that has just happened. but it has taken me a long time to be able to think about it reasonably. to realize that irreparable is not a word that would exist without an application.
i guess the point is, life is peculiar. all of this loss, in exchange for the pursuit of happiness. and that is what i am -- happy. i didn't plan it. i had no malicious intention. i didn't ask for it, it crept upon me. my error, if any? i didn't deny it. and i am left to question the relationships i ever had with those who claimed to be invested in my happiness. because here it is. standing here, before you.
and you walk away. |
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| ginger and spice and everything nice |
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| 12:10am 18/08/2006 |
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it's funny the way life works. yesterday, in a random streak of compassion (i know, right?) i proposed that we all take a little time to appreciate those who are important to us in our lives.
and today my dog was diagnosed with an aggressive and malignant cancer.
i took her in to have a cyst removed this morning. what began (for the vet, the dog, and me) as a routine procedure turned into a dismal discovery. she was taken immediately into surgery.
she's at home resting now, and is being referred to a veterinary oncologist in columbus to begin radiation. she'll be gone a week at a time for her treatments. and, hopefully, they'll work. if not, the next step is amputation.
depending on the costs, i may be the first person in history to mortgage a house for a dog. crazy lesbians and their puppy kids.
she's barely five, and the most happy, energetic, and truly doggish dog i've ever had the joy to know.
lighthearted blogs have been reserved for other days.
take care, and give your pets/kids/favourite neighbors extra love and treats tonight.
xoxo |
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| raisins and lesbians and electrocution |
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| 01:49pm 14/08/2006 |
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my niece is amazing. brilliant and beautiful.
she'll be 18 months next month, and she's already the smartest person i know.
1) she doesn't talk to people she doesn't like. follow her lead, people. if you are approached by a person you really can't stand, don't do that fake smile and forced politeness we all generally fall back on. scream and hide your face like a true champ.
2) she gets what she wants. want that raise? want someone else's lunch more than your own (or in addition to your own)? demand it. do not rest until you are given whatever it is you desire and more. scream, cry, hold your breath. be assertive.
3) she limits energy expended on communication with others. she doesn't feel the need to make small talk, fill awkward silences, or entertain others. and if she wants something, she points. if she doesn't get it, she resorts to 2).
4) she owns her body and its functions. she doesn't care what she looks like, smells like, sounds like. she's not obsessed with keeping up appearances. still trying to fit into the social norm with foundation, blemish concealer, curling irons, and fashion wear? not this one. she'll stare you in the eye and rub a banana in her hair because SHE CAN. the question is, can you?
5) she plays sleeps and eats. she doesn't work for a living, she doesn't do her own laundry, fix her own food, hell, even clean her own ass. and she doesn't pay anyone to do it for her. her secret? charm and charisma. she is so overflowing with the charm that other people WANT to do these things for her. that is my true goal in life.
on a more serious (or equally serious?) note, she really is adorable. she can make all sorts of noises on command: dog, bird, duck, cat, horse, cow, frog, bee, truck, car, etc. i have done my auntly duty by confusing her for life, she now thinks that a llama makes a most ridiculous noise and will tell you so if asked. i taught her some new commands to follow: "put your foot in your mouth," "put your other foot in your mouth," and my personal favourite, "put your foot in [so-and-so]'s mouth." i fed her yogurt-covered raisins all day and then acted equally shocked when gina was surprised at how much and often she needed a diaper change *innocent whistle* i also tried to teach her her first multi-syllabic word (Les-Bi-An), time will tell if i succeeded.
in other news, i have completely and permanently ruined my body, i think. sleeping on a shared twin bed with my face pressed against the side of a crib is good for no one involved, i'm convinced. and i'm deathly allergic to cats, and my sister collects them for a hobby, i think. and driving for long periods never sits well with me. plus, there's my newest fascination:
Electric Shock Collars.
now, i don't find anything humane about shock collars. but my sister evidently does. each of her five dogs wears an Invisible Fence (TM) collar. each dog also wears a bark collar. and each cat wears an Invisible Fence (TM) collar -- just in case. keep in mind they're all 100% indoor cats, and also keep in mind that these collars are expensive.
anyway, they all have different settings. ginger (dog) has a relatively low setting, and the other dogs are progressively stronger. most of them have a four beep warning before the shock so you have a chance to change your mind and head a new direction. charlie (the worst dog) has an insanely high setting and no warning.
so, i've been testing the collars.
the learned reader might be concerned, "why lisa, that doesn't sound very smart. you can't even touch the little static electricity light up things at spencer's because they fuck with your [very unpredictable] heart. do you really think you should be electrocuting yourself?"
well no, of course not. but i get bored. and i haven't died yet.
the cat collars are only an annoying, itching tingle. the dog collars, starting at the lowest, are a little more bothersome. charlies has no warning and will knock you on your ass.
they have this invisible fence (TM) thing rigged up in their house, too, so the animals won't go in the front hall. when i get drunk, i grab a collar (hopefully not charlie's) and test it. ahhhhhhhhhhhh, good times.
in other news,
who are we kidding?
there's no other news. my life is terribly boring.
*goes in search of a dog collar* |
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| really fucking weird |
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| 12:30am 28/06/2006 |
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i put this song up on my myspace yesterday, and took this quiz today. how coincidental.
| Your Theme Song is Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd | 
"There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship?s smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves."
You haven't been feeling a lot lately, and you think that's a good thing.
The comfortable part is nice... but you should really work on numb. |
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| 12:27am 28/06/2006 |
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| You Are 29 Years Old | 
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
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| 07:17pm 17/06/2006 |
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so i graduated. more on that another time. but my grades are finally in, so i can breathe a sigh of relief...i didn't fuck up the 4.0....my 4.0 streak through wright state university was unsoiled w00t w00t! even got a 99% on my final paper in amy's class which i'm totally geeked about.
anyway. fun shit time!
Your Seduction Style: The Charmer
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You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.
You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.
By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.
And then you've got them exactly where you want them!
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| You Belong in San Francisco | 
You crave an eclectic, urban environment. You're half California, half NYC.
You're open minded, tolerant, and secretly think you're the best.
People may dismiss you as a hippie, but you're also progressive, interesting, and rich! |
| Your Personality Profile | 
You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.
For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong. |
| You Are an Excellent Cook | 
You're a top cook, but you weren't born that way. It's taken a lot of practice, a lot of experimenting, and a lot of learning.
It's likely that you have what it takes to be a top chef, should you have the desire... |
| You Communicate With Your Ears | 
You love conversations, both as a listener and a talker.
What people say is important to you, and you're often most affected by words, not actions.
You love to hear complements from others. And when you're upset, you often talk to yourself.
Music is very important to you. It's difficult to find you without your iPod. |
| Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking | 
You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal.
You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk.
You should major in:
Philosophy
Music
Theology
Art
History
Foreign language |
| You Are 16% Vain | 
You don't have a vain bone in your body - almost as a matter of principal.
You demand to be judged on who you are, not what you look like. |
| How You Are In Love | 
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You give and take equally in relationships.
You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.
You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. |
| Your Summer Ride is a Toyota Prius | 
Sure you're a little sensible and quite green
But no one enjoys outdoors more than you do! |
| You Should Get a JD (Juris Doctor) | 
You're logical, driven, and ruthless.
You'd make a mighty fine lawyer. |
| You Are a Seeker Soul | 
You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges.
You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions.
Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist.
Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!).
Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others.
And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you.
You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically.
Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas.
Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul |
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| 11:02am 30/05/2006 |
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| You Are Chicken | 
Bah! You're hardly meat. But you are quite popular, and people aspire to taste like you.
You're probably quite skinny and free of vices. Except letting people eat your eggs. |
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| 02:52pm 02/04/2006 |
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| You Are An Invisible Ex | 
You're so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an ex
You prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behind
As they say, indifference is the opposite of love! |
| You are Agnostic | 
You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care.
For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine.
You rather focus on what you can control - your own life.
And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you. |
| You Are 36% Abnormal | 
You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul.
You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess.
You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection.
You are at low risk for having a social phobia. It is unlikely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.
You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer. |
| People Envy Your Ingenuity | 
You're a person with unique ideas, big plans, and a zany outlook on life. Many people look to you for inspiration.
People envy your creativity and "who cares?" attitude. They feel very ordinary next to you - and they usually are! |
| Your Personality Is |
Rational (NT)
You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas.
You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy!
Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people.
In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally.
You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought.
Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals.
In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent.
At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia.
With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well.
As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly.
On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things. |
| You Are a Natural Flirt | 
Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt.
And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting.
Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt.
And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive! |
| Your Hidden Talent | 
You have the power to persuade and influence others.
You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around.
The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it.
Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think! |
| What Your Face Says | 
At first glance, people see you as driven and ambitious.
Overall, your true self is passionate and physical.
With friends, you seem logical, detached, and a bit manipulative.
In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.
In stressful situation, you seem like you're oblivious to the stress. |
| Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover | 
You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!
Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter.
You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you.
You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable
Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life
By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover.
Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives.
Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours.
No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover. |
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| Damn. |
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| 02:36pm 02/04/2006 |
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| Your Kissing Purity Score: 9% Pure | 
For you, it's all kiss and no talk.
You're in a permanent lip lock. |
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| 08:41pm 13/03/2006 |
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I was hassled for an update.
This is finals week, read: my life currently sucks enormous assage. More later when it doesn't, read: after wednesday.
consider yourselves updated, folks. |
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| Shallow |
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| 12:43pm 29/01/2006 |
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mood:  listless music: Alanis Morissette - The Collection
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I feel shallow today. Like I'm not just without depth, but incapable of such. Everything is superficial, a construct, a charade, a carefully-balanced tower of false cards that will topple at the slightest stir of air, and I can't hold my breath much longer.
But anyway, how are you? *crosses legs and leans in to listen* |
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| 02:29pm 02/09/2005 |
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It seems the game is self-destructing, and taking everyone down with it. Which is sad, but now seems inevitable. People I thought I knew are now standing up for the unacceptable. People who call themselves leaders are anything but. I've seen friends and allies show no anger over a situation that would enfuriate them if it were directed at themselves. Where is the consistency? Where is the accountability? I've seen some that I call friends even make excuses for the acts of others. Has no one any courage, any honour? Are we all so blinded by either power or our friendships with power tha twe cannot see the injustice? Are we all too proud to apologize?
Apologies are deserved. Wrongs must be righted. Neither will happen. I may remain for a bit, but the fire is gone. For the game, and for those I thought I knew. I will follow my principle, not the crowd. And I have a feeling I will follow principle alone.
Do not mistake this as excusing the wrongs of others. It is just far worse to meet those wrongs with more of the same if you react from a point of power. Power is dangerous. And now, it is misused.
Once, there was a really good game. |
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| Quiz |
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| 01:16pm 06/06/2005 |
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You are a
protector.
Yes, you don't like to kill people. That goes
against everything you belive in. It's not that
you are a coward, but your ideals and morals
wouldn't allow it. You are the typical hero, do
the righteous things, get the bad guys and do
it all legally. But just because you don't kill
doesn't mean you can't kick ass. And that is
what you do. You use your brain and your
strenght to do honourable deeds and protect
people you know and love. If an evil guy is
going to take over the world soon, it's you who
will get involved. You hate watching innocents
suffer, and love seeing bad people getting what
they deserve. You are probably also happy and
optimistic and work pretty good in groups. And
the friends you usually make are true ones.
Main weapon: Anything at all
Quote: "You only live once, but if
you do it right, once is enough" -Joe
Lewis
Facial expression: Smile
What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| 12:08pm 23/05/2005 |
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mood:  calm music: Joseph Arthur - In the Sun
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I'm back. Rain or shine.
More after lunch. |
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| 08:44pm 21/04/2005 |
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mood:  contemplative music: Dar Williams - Closer to Me
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I read a really fantastic collection of essays today. Planning to excerpt a few later. I love the days at uni when you're studying what you want to study, and learning what you're interested in, and just basically in that groove of this-applies-to-me-edness. Too bad it's so damned infrequent. If I could somehow get around this damned computer science class, I'd be taking nothing but classes I -enjoy- this quarter. Give me Radical Black Thought and Contemporary Women's Studies over UNIX anyday. Oh well.
Going out of town for the weekend, should be more upbeat about it than I am, just want to crawl into bed and wake up monday...haven't been getting any sleep at night, then I shake my fist at the dawn and vow to go to bed early that evening, only to come home, get online, or go out, or drink, or a combination of all of the above. If I had more control over myself I'd be much more well-rested. Damn heathen me.
Midterms next week, the first day I'm back from the weekend. Should be worried about them, but it's still too far away. Should be studying for them, but, well, see above.
The little stray pup that I found finally went home today (I know, I only found him yesterday but the beast was a barker)...so adorable to see the owner and person (*laughs* not a typo, you had to meet this dog) be reunited.
I'm starving. I didn't get home in time to get to the market, so no bisque for me tonight. I'm contemplating Chipotle's again. Yes, it's just that good.
Work tomorrow, so I'm not too thrilled, I'm considering wearing in pajamas and seeing if they fire me.
Cramps suck the ultimate ass.
Now I am in the mood for Starbucks. Iced Venti No Whip Soy White Mocha.
Or a macchiato.
I hate hormones.
My damned neighbor keeps coming over and ringing, and she damned well knows I'm home. Why is it that some humans don't understand when you don't want to talk to them? Teh foolz!
More stuff of the somber sort, but it's not really worth getting into.
Chipotle or Starbucks, whichever I pass first. Off I go. |
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| 01:49pm 16/03/2005 |
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~Kelsea Lotus Cahill
~Born: March 14, 2005, 8pm
~Weight: 8 lbs, 5 oz
~Length: 21 inches
Welcome to the madhouse, Kels. I'm sure you'll understand later in life, but yeah, you were born into a family of hippies. Sorry about the name. It's touchingly intricate though:
Kelsea: The spelling includes the word "Sea," important because you are a pisces and that is the water sign. Also, because you were very late coming into this world, two days after the water broke. I'll tell you the story someday, it's harrowing, yet chuckleworthy.
Lotus: This has a strong meaning in the Buddhist tradition. The Lotus is a beautiful flower, often found growing out of filth and despair. Regardless of the conditions of this country, or this world, you are inspiring.
Cahill: Well, that's your father's last name. Duh.
Initials: KLC ~Sound it out...KL..C....Kelsea. Neat, eh?
Initials: KC ~"Casey" This is what Brad and Gina were going to change their last names to when they first got married...Casey, because it encorporates the first syllable of his last name and the last syllable of hers, Cahill-Nicolosi...Casey...
The amount of thought that went into your name, I can't even begin to impress upon you. Every moment of your life will be equally guided, loved, and cared for...welcome to the fold, little human!
~aunt lisa |
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| 03:51pm 11/02/2005 |
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Your Dominant Intelligence is Musical Intelligence |
Every part of your life has a beat, and you're often tapping your fingers or toes.
You enjoy sounds of all types, but you also find sound can distract you at the wrong time.
You are probably a gifted musician of some sort - even if you haven't realized it.
Also a music lover, you tend to appreciate artists of all kinds.
You would make a great musician, disc jockey, singer, or composer.
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| Death |
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| 12:32pm 14/01/2005 |
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mood:  sad music: Hallelujah
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My grandmother died. About an hour ago. I feel empty. Empty in a sad way that she's gone, and empty in a guilty way that I should care me. I don't know if I just don't care, or if I pretend not to, anymore.
Gets me to thinking about my life, and who and what I am, and what I would be if I could. I'd be normal. I'd be so normal I'd be a robotic paper doll, living in a cookie cutter home with my cookie cutter husband and the world as my oyster, not my hell. And then the more I think that, and about people/world that makes me WANT that, I begin to think the way those around me do. I'm not right. I'm not living well, or loving well. Am I sick? Is everyone else sick? Does it matter? So then I hate myself, and who I am. Could I change it? Could I change it today? Sometimes I think I could. Not with any degree of sincerity, but which would I rather, sincerity or acceptance? It's a tougher question than it seems. Would you rather live a life of truth and wrongness, alone, without the one, or a life of lies, rightness, without the one?
And then I think, I can't possibly change it, I can't, I can't, if it's wrong, it can't be fixed, I'm broken. And then I hate myself for being this way. And then, as time passes, I hate the world for making me hate myself, for making me question myself, for making me "evil" just because of this little tiny thing, without knowing the rest of who I am. And the anger shifts from me to them, but it's still there.
Then I feel the need to validate what I am, to say "fuck you, world, this is what I think of your hate, and judgement," to sort of reclaim who I am, embrace me again, wash the self-hatred of five minutes ago from my skin. It may not solve the problems, the many pains of wanting what you can NEVER have, of belonging, of conforming, but I'd at least regain my dignity with a vengeance. It's amazing the way the world bends your perception of yourself.
I need to get back to being okay with who I am.
I need to go find a random stranger, and remind me (and her) that it's not a bad thing. *g*
*thinks*
But is it? |
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| Christmas |
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| 11:07am 23/12/2004 |
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mood: contemplative music: Damien Rice - Volcano
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It's that time of year, again. Christmas. Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, whatever else it is in order for the world to be politically correct, in this passage it's just Christmas. The hustle and bustle of shoppers and carolers and shovelers and youngsters that peaks in about two days, and then we all settle in for the nothingness of winter immediately after.
I'm not religious. If you know me at all, you know this much at least. But Christmas is magical. Whether you believe in God or the Fates or Nature or the simple triumph of Human Will, magic exists, and indeed exists this time of year, if only because so many people feel magical that they create the aura.
And every Christmas comes my Christmas letter. We are all familiar with the generic Christmas letters, "hi, haven't talked to you since last letter, here's what's happened with my life, job, family, blah blah blah." We all get them, we all skim them, we all throw them away. Either that or only I do that, but regardless...I don't have any annual synopsis to regurgitate here or anywhere else. If I've known you this past year, you've known my life throughout, if not, you haven't. That is as it should be. People don't come with summaries.
Be safe. Time is all in our heads, to some degree. Have patience, move slowly, and with such careful deliberation that you have the opportunity to hold and feel and savour each moment before moving on to the next. Make an experience out of every circumstance. Make time yours. Own it, stretch it, relish it. The gathering will vanish all too quickly in a puff of time, and next year is all that remains, sometimes not even that much.
Remember whom you love and hold dear. Sometimes we assume that those around us know what they mean, when it in fact isn't known until too late. Sometimes we take for granted our friends, our family, our lovers. Sarcasm and ill-wit and sharp tongues belong in 364 of the world's days, not this one. Take the time to write a message or make a phonecall to everyone you hold in your heart between now and Christmas. Make it meaningful. Make it something that will generate tears. The rest of the year is for pride and nonsense, Christmas is not. Even I, perpetual ass, will put all jokes and false aires aside to send messages to those I love. Chances are just that -- chances. When we don't chance, we lose our moment. Too many times have I come to the next season without that friend or family member beside me at the table, be it through death or falling out, and too many times have I wished I had told them what they meant. Take the time.
Love. We as humans crave love. I do. I, like everyone else, want nothing more than to be loved and needed and treasured. And when I cannot be so, the world becomes dark. Perhaps, just perhaps, we are looking at it from the wrong angle. The light is inside ourselves. Perhaps I will never be loved as I want to be. But, I can still love. The point, I believe, is not to -be- loved, but to -give- love. Give it to the world. Love with reckless abandon. Generate your own light, and the darkness born by the disappointment in others will never triumph. Love.
That's all I ask of you. Be safe, be deliberate, be thoughtful, and be loving. Just once a year. Then we can all gather in the dusky months of winter-after and be assholes again.
Merry Christmas. |
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pyrana's journal